to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
