Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
