I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
