Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
