I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
BRING THE BAGELS
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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