Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
