If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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