Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
