I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
