I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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