so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
