The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
