after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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