Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
