I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
