My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
