I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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