The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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