i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
that may or may not have been my penis.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
