I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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