i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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