weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
