Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
