The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
