Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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