im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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