Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Boobs speak an international language.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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