I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
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I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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