This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
