I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
