It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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