she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
