I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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