I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
