All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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