the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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