you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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