oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
