Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
