god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
