So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
