I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
