You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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