What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
