Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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