I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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