You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
