I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
