I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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