You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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