Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You pole danced in your parka.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
