Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
