OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
