I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
