I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
