the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
