when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
