I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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